What would you be doing now if you weren't saved?

'What would you be doing now if you weren't saved?' Phil asked out of the blue, in his usual open style. It was a fantastic question to ask the group at the pub that night. We were hanging out at the pub round the round the corner from the London School of Theology, all of us either graduates or students of the college. So the question was particularly interesting – if you hadn’t chosen to shape your studies and careers and the country you live in around this faith, where would you be? How would our lives be different?

One guy said he'd have been in studying law instead of Theology. One dug into what he might be like as a person without the influence of Jesus; arrogant and seeking self-worth in his intellect. Another reflected honestly on the influences and temptations he’d faced in his past and told us he'd probably have ended up a drug dealer! All the while my answer burned in my throat. What would I be doing now if I wasn't saved? I never answered in the end, because another said my answer too; if God hadn’t saved me I would be dead now. I would have taken my own life years ago.

Painkillers were often on my mind when I was seventeen. I didn't need them for physical pain, but the mental pain I was going through seemed endless and incurable. I wanted a painkiller. Something to stop me hurting. It was so overwhelming that, after months fighting through and suffering on I was so worn down, so tired of hurting, I wanted something to stop it for good. Painkillers were accessible. Naively I got it into my head that it would be a painless way to go.But God had different plans. Nights of desperate crying prayers were met with gentle words through other people's mouths. I found strength I knew I didn't have. I was met with support and encouragement and medical help. I had clear moments where God was with me and probably a thousand more unclear ones. I still struggled and suffered...but God made sure I had just enough to keep me going. He gave me hope.So

I'm still here. Alive, and I wouldn't be without God. I'm really glad Phil's question led me to reflect on that this week, my birthday week. It reminds me that I've had nearly ten years of life that I almost threw away. They've been wonderful years, almost all of them have been healthy and joyful. I've met wonderful people and made great friends, loved life with my family and found a love for life in my fiancé. I've been to amazing places and done things I didn't even dream of. I've been blessed endlessly, and have managed to make a difference to others too. Praise God for protecting me from my depression so I could have all that life!Although I'm struggling again, remembering reminds me that God is both faithful and good. He faithfully looked after me in the past and is doing so again now. I can trust him to continue bring good out of what seems bad, because he did it before and will do it again now.

Thank you Jesus for all you've done for me so far, and all you're going to do.