I can't sleep. So the blog begins.

I can’t sleep. The thoughts in my head hurt too much to let me sleep. They whizz past my conscious mind like whips, dragging guilt, worry, embarrassment, old pain and new. I try to think of other things but each new path twists into a new trap for my thoughts, a new spiked pit I fall into and hurt myself trying to climb out. Eventually I can’t take it anymore. I need something else for my mind, an escape from the thoughts. Two neon-lit pathways appear, shiny and tempting. The first is pain, physical pain. Something about it calls to me, promising to solve my problem. It doesn’t bother to explain how it will help, but the lure of it pulls strongly. The second pathway is far more logical. Stop thinking and there will be no painful thoughts. Stop breathing and the brain won’t be able to think. Stop living and this life won’t hurt anymore. I sit up, turn on the light, and consider my options.

I want my friends and family to know what’s happening in my life right now, the battle I’m fighting every day. I want to world to know this is real, and that it’s breaking and destroying. I want people who are fighting like me to know they only feel alone, but really there’s so many of us. I want them to know there’s hope. I need to know there’s hope.

I have depression.  I’m starting my blog tonight.